The Good Old Days.

Recently, my mind seems to drift back to the old days. When I say the old days its not that I am THAT old, just that it floats back to the time when I was still young. Sometimes I even see the images of me back then. Thats the power of mind. That is also another reason why, when I first have the visions i was afraid to tell as I didn't know if it was a figment of my imagination or was it real. I did ask God and I had this naggin answer at the back of my head - " Believe" Scary huh.

Back to the old times. When I was younger, there was no MC D at my home place. That is when i was stil in primary school. Back then I wore braces since standard 4. We then usesd to travel to SS2 - the orthodontist (spelling maybe off but too lazy to go check). After each session, I really really couldn't eat for days... Its horrible and your teeth feels so like sour. You get my drift. I hated these trips. But my mom, my good old mom, will usually take me shopping after that, she will take me to buy those pork floss and "bak kuah" and then to the book stores.. blablabla. I know my mom is not rich. In my family only my dad works and there is 4 of us. My dad doesnt' give my mom that much money hence the money is mostly saved by cutting corners when she shops for the house or when she goes marketing.

Since we didn't have Mc D in where i lived, which is a totally different place from the PJ area, the times when I could actually bite, she would take me there. Sometimes during the school holidays, she will take us all there, my brothers and my sister too. when she takes out the cash to pay, its pains my heart as I know with that she would need to cut corners for awhile.

Now adays, we eat mc D like nothing, even up to the point of jelak. Imagine... That's life isn't it. When we can afford things, we don't really cherish it anymore.

My dad would never do that for us. I am not saying that my dad is a bad person. Its just that his way of thinking and upbringing is different. I would say its his conservative mind that is working. He is a man who still thinks that with 100 ringgit you can buy a pair of jeans and couple of shirts! hehehe... that is why he never does his own shopping or esle he will end up empty handed at the end of it all.

The good old days - free of worries, parents providing the basic needs.
These days - stress, worries, working for the future which is uncertain. Thats our life huh!

Almost the End

As we all know the year is drawing to an end. As the newspapers start reminiscing on the year , we will be spread with pictures of the events that happened this year.

I guess in a way, this year has been a very significant year in most people lives. In some countries, some eventful things has happened - in Russia, in China, now the SEA area.

I guess in our lives too as we ponder back, this year has its major events. For mine yes. and it started with sadness and it also ended with sadness. And alot of sadness in between too.

Everyone is talking about the tsunami and why God let it happen. Its just like the september 11 case in the US. People will tend to blame God when thingslike this happen. I am one of the culprit too when things go wrong in my life. But I guess, if we think of it as this God is our Father, then He wouldn't let bad things happen to us. He has carved us at the palm of His hands and given us His son. God's has His reasons. Maybe its a lesson to mankind to be human and kind. But why all these poor countries are affected? Only God has the answer.

I want to start the new year with hope and wish that it will be a good year for me. I hoped that all the bad things are to happen has happened this year.

I leave you with this...


Friday, 31st December 2004 (Octave 7th Day: Jn 1:1,14-18)
Dear Friend in the Lord, God's Mystery: God is infinite. He has no beginning and no end. God created all human beings and the whole universe in His Wisdom and Love. This Truth is beyond our limited minds. Learn to interiorize this divine mystery in faith and to grow in gratitude and humility to God. Then live this as your 2005 resolution.

Fr Philip Heng, S.J.

Met with an accident

Sigh So sad. What a day!

Met an accident in the car park!!!!!! And the gall of the other person to scold me in 4 Letter word that starts with F. over and over again. I got so pissed off.. i told him its an accident and u should be using 4 letter word on me. Whatever the reason is, its not rite to do that. Anyways.. i was pissedd.. and i did defend myself.

My car is totally damaged in front but his car is still intact with just the side doors dented. And he was blooodee worried about his car. He kept saying that.. he just serviced his car.. he has to work this will create prblem for him. I was like what the heck! Like i don't have to work, like i care if he just serviced his car? Whats the relevance of it all to this accident.

Police report is the best.. claim insurance.. Irritating. Just bcoz he is male he thinks he can intimidate me... Wrong number babe....

anyways... time to think about buying a new care but it takes money and i promised myself i will not spend money.. liao.

Save for my - just incase i get into the mood to resign - days.. hahahaha.

I ended the year with a loud bang, boom and kaput!

Superficiality

Now that the Christmas carolling is over, i thought finally we wont' be hearing from superK for awhile. Hmm.. who is superK, you might ask? Well SuperK is the lead of the carolling thingy. Ringgit , remember i told you about her.

okie, as I was telling ringgit, SuperK treats us like kids. Don't fold the book, it looks awful in pictures. Make sure the girls put on lipstick since we are in the light. Sigh.. is that the reason why we are singing all these gigs and collecting the money? I thought it was for the HIV/AIDS victims in the home, the orphans in Pakistan, the poor nuns at the Little sisters of the poor? sigh... the purpose of this mission has been distorted.

I told ringgit that I am not going to confront her about how i felt about the whole thing. WHY? Firstly because I just went for confession, didn't want to taint my soul again. Secondly, I thought forgive and forget. Sigh, I thought that was the end of it.

But today, SuperK sent out an email stating that on 25th of Dec, during one of the gigs, some guy who was obviously totally pissed drunk.... put his arms around her. She got totally emotionally and paranoid about it. Coz it brought back memories about an incident that happened 2 years ago in the US while she was still ther studying in harvard doing her masters. Anyways.. .the point here is that she wrote this email balbalbablablabalba.. i am not going to get into details.. How she said that she gave the whole 500+ ringgit back to the event manager and told her to give the money to the charity directly. She felt that the event manager should have kept the place safe. .hmm.. whatever. Anyways... One gal from the carolling team wrote back and said its time to forgive and move on and the last line she made a statement about superficial faults....

So superK got pissed replied stating that what did that gal meant by Supeficial faults - obviously she didn't know SuperK... WAAA chia lat. anyways... the whole mission of doing charity for the good has turn out to be this. How sad!

Focus people Focus... the whole thing wasn't about you and me. It was and still is about them and HIM. Doing HIS work. Even if i look like a shit with or without lipstick or whatever.. as long as I am committed, came for the gigs... sang.. collected the money for the people... whats wrong with that?

Sigh..... Wrong number babe!

A sermon to ponder - Christmas Sermon

read this... http://jesuit.org.sg/html/advent.christmas/a.christmas.dawn.html

Fr. G asked, can you see Jesus in everyone that you meet?
And my answer would be, I wish I can.

The above link is not from Fr.G . Its a jesuit website that i subcribe to daily for readings to be sent to my mailbox. Its very good. But this one is special its about christmas and the meaning of it in your life.

Fr. G said on Christmas sermon, he knows that small gal from klang who is abused. she apparently has visited our church before and brought there by some people. Fr. G said, when the little gal sees him, she says - JESUS. fr. G said... that's how the little know him and has affiliated him with being Jesus. By the way, that little gal ain't a christian either. Gods work again? U Betacha.!

Mood Swings

Mood Swings - who hasn't experienced them before. Mind you from my obversation, i noticed that guys go thru mood swings too. So they shouldn't always be blaming women becoz of their PMS time that they have mood swings. At least we have a reason, but what the guys' reason?

Anyways, the weather over here where I am staying right now has been rather bleak for the last couple of days. The sky is almost constantly dark for the past 2 days. Thats how i feel inside me too.... dark and cloudy. Yeah - you're rite I am having the mood swing. Anyways, it also happens to be the time when my "best friend" is visiting. But I think this mood swing is more than the PMS thingy.

During this time of the year, some people would be penning down their new year's resolution. As for me, I have been guilty of that too in the past. I remember one time, I went to PD with a good friend of mine ( well we dont' talk that much no more as she seemed very bz with what she is doing and has forgotten all her friends) and we sat and wrote about our new year's resolution. It was around year 2000. I still have the piece of paper mind you :) Of course some of the things I have done and crossed out like my white river rafting - but it ain't rafting though, it was kayaking that I did.

I am not going to write any new year resolution this year. As I see it, its going to be mundane anyways. Almost every year since I was 21, I have a couple of the same things listed. It turns out every year!!! Its getting stale. Or another way of putting it, I am just giving up on it.

Recently, I have been dreading the new year to arrive. Why! you might ask? This is becoz a new year means getting a year older. I will turn a year older from yesterday in 4 months. Every year i dread it. But this year i dread it the most. Its 4 mths away and I am already thinking about it.

I have very few years left before I hit the 35. When that happens I guess, i have to rethink about my goals in life. 35 would mean tht chances of having my own family is going down the drain. I dare not even hope these days.

So I am having a bad day - yes. I am feeling very blue - YES.

Even though I welcome the new year for a different reason. I welcome it to mark the ending of the worse year of my life. Hoping that the year 2005 would be much better but yet I dread it due to the aging factor that it brings.

One hope for this year is that I will be able to move out of my comfort zone and let the Lord lead me where He wants me to go. Lord, I am willing to give a try. Lead me to where I will find peace and joy.

Christmas!

Today marks Christmas Day. Just like the ritual every year. I went for Mass and then afterwards, proceed home to open the pressies....

Today's Sermon was good. As usual Fr. Gerard is a very good speaker but alas, he will be leaving us soon to go back to the seminary to teach. That's actually his true role but for the last 4 years due to the low registration for priests he was actually posted out to do work. He was in our parish for 4 years now.

Today he told us that, this morning, he found a present in the crib which have they built on the altar. Every year there's a crib. But today at MASS, when he went there to bow to the Lord as per tradition at the beginning of the mass, he found something! That something was a bottle of milk. See in the crib, lay baby Jesus and Mother Mary and Joseph. Someone, Fr. doesn't know who that person is either, decided that Baby Jesus needed milk. Fr. G was saying that he didn't know whether to laugh or cry. but obviously this person's gestures comes from the heart. He then asked us, What are you giving Jesus on his birthday? If you don't know , you might want to consider this - going out of your comfort zone and go where the Lord wants to lead you.

He also asked us this, during the time when Jesus was born, there was no place for him at the Inn. Therefore he found shelter in the barn. Do you have a place for Jesus in your heart!!!!
I do have a place for Jesus in my heart. But whether i Feel him there everytime - is something questionable.

I love Fr.G sermon's it always touches you. His sermon always makes sense....

I am gonna miss his sermon as this will be the last Christmas he will spending with us.

Happy Birtheday JC.!

The Eve

For years, I used to go for the Mid Night Mass. Always being rushed to the Church at around 8 something eventhough mass only begins at 10pm. It always starts with a Play. Yeah a long one too. I never really appreciated it. And if you go thru it year after year it just becomes very mundane. Falling asleep during the mass is worse, probably the only time you're actually awake is during the peace exchange. hehehehe. You have to be awake....

Anyways, after my grandma who is already in her 80s came to stay with us and to top that up, there's the kids too? Well not really thats just an excuse hahahaa. Anyways.. since then, we will not go for the mid nite mass , but instead we attend the sunday morning mass. The difference? I think the difference is that its shorter and with you more awake, you get the message into your numb skull better..

For 2 years now, I have been carolling on Christmas EVE. Yeah sucks rite? But that's what call comittment. You made one and you have to keep to it. I actually promised myself that I won't sing this christmas eve. But somehow I got Sucked into. The sad part is , christmas eve is my late sister in law's birthday and tonite they have a stimboat to celebrate it eventhough she is no longer with us. Its kinda sad..... But i can't make it. Since i have alreayd made commitment to sing at royal selangor club and lake club. There is about only 10 of us singing - alot of them have FFK.

There's a history with the birth of my sister in law. My sis in law was born a non christian. I dont' like to use the word non believer. As I believe everyone has their own believes but it just may not be christianity. During her funeral the priest said. God has already planned Sarah's path. Sarah was brought to know a Christian family - which is my family. And later Sarah embraced christianity. God has brought her to a loving christian family and where she passed on in a good christian family too. And to see the link of both maybe it was God's will that she will pass on as a christian since she was born on Christmas eve. God's way is incredible and not something we can always understand. But the biggest frustration for me, eventhough I acknowledge this but its hard not to know....

Happy Birthday Sarah. May your Soul rest in peace....

Mulut Celupar

Okay, as I have mentioned before, I now have this male bonnie in my dept and that's not the worse thing, this bonnie sits in the same small room as myself and another guy. Okie this new company, they dont' know the concept of open office. Eveyone is placed in rooms - could be alone or with roommates. Due to renovation to build the open concept office floor by floor.... currently each room at least have 2 to 3 people.

Bonnie has a big mouth and sarcasm is his middle name. But the problem here is that he criticizes everyone but he can't take a criticism. As you know me, sometimes I can be quite sharp tongue. As I am not very patient also. So .... after taking all he has said for 2 weeks with patience , my patience was running out big time. So yesterday i told him, if you can give criticism you should be able to take it. Why i said that? Coz each time we say something to him, he will complain that we treat him bad , we are so sarcastic to him we are all the bad stuff.

But in actual fact usually it takes me longer to dislike a person but with him, its almost instantly. The problem here is he is also indian and as we all know, they are known for their mulut lah.... for whatever reasons...

Anyways... I pray that I will be moved soon or else i might end up being crazy. don't to him much also kena... talk also kena.. so how - you tell me!

Always wanna sibuk and act smart but his work he cannot finish.

GRRRRRRRRR

Christmas blues?

Hmm.. I don't think anyone can get christmas blues lah. But the flu bug is trying to get me. So far I am still able to withstand it. But for how long?

Been Sneezing and also my nose is pretty much stuffed up. What crap!!! and Christmas is just....5 days away...................... I have to sing on 24th!!!!!!! At 2 places, one at the hotel and another at lake club.. dang....

Worse scenario will be to fong fei kei. hehehehee.................

Letter to my dear JC

Dear JC,
Its almost Christmas time. Almost your birthday. Thank You being in my life all this time. I have known you since as long as I can remember. Its a long while now. JC, as you know our relationship has been like a roller coaster. Sometimes its like the hilly lands and sometimes green like the plains. Sometimes when the ride is rough, I get angry; I get frustrated. But if you notice JC, I always come back. Because, I have realized that without you and my faith, I am nothing.
My faith in catholism give me a rope to hold on during the times of trouble eventhough I feel like I am almost drowning. I think JC, You know that this year has been tremendously tough on me. Its still continuing.
JC, sometimes I wonder whether I will be able to endure all the pain like how you have endured and paid to give us salvation. JC, sometimes I dream about the life of utopia... doing something I love. Waking up each day and bursting with joy but on the other hand, I am living a totally opposite life. But in reality, can utopia exist in this earthly world, or utopia can only exist in heaven! Probably so.
JC, soemtimes I think about it. I don't do drugs, I don't drink. In comparison to alot of people I am a good person. But sometimes, I feel like such a bad person. Why can't I do more for the society, for the people... Why do I feel so unsatistified with myself. That's a sin in it all , isn't it. As Your Father made me in His image. And with all the imperfections that I have, I have read so many times that I am given gifts. I have said this many times that I am nothing , I have no talents, I have no gifts. That probably had hurt you and our mighty Father.
That is why in this sense I feel I am not a good person. But thats what being a christian is about rite, JC? Making mistakes, learning from it, and evaluating and then make the change for the better?
JC, thank You for being there during my trouble, during the times when I had hard time coping. Thank You for giving the visions that I have all this year. Thank YOu for all the things you have given me. No amount of thank you can describe how indepted I am to you. THank You for ending the sufferrings of Sarah. Thank You bringing her to be with you and by your side. THank You for giving me the vision of seeing her with you during her funeral day. Thank You for helping me withstand all the discriminations and alientions that I have gone thru all my life.
I want to hear you speak to me more JC. Sometimes in the stillness of the nites, I long to hear your message for me. I don't want to lose you in my life. I strive everyday to speak to you. Help me hear you JC. Help me hear what you have to say to me. Please be my mentor in this earthly life of mine.

Your loving follower,
M_G

Retro nite

Hmmm.. its almost 11.40pm and I just reached home from our Divison's Retro Nite. The theme was 70s. Well I hate to dress up but I wanted to go anyways. Was told its okay not to dress so I went.

It was surprise to see that everyone is so sporting. that included the managers who actually performed. Its also not surprising to see that majorti of a certain race participated in GIS Idol hahaha.

Anyways.. that takes away abit of stress from current situation. all I can say is that coming from a prestigous company and going into a new company is really stressful.... your profile is so high that people's expectation of you is high too.

Well........... i have one thing to say ringgit... i now have another sorta bonnie only this time its a guy and he thinks he can boss us around...

sigh...... I hate the corporate world.

Confession

Its that time of the year where its encouraged to go for confession as often as possible but some people like me wait till before christmas to do it :)

Waiting for your turn during confession is the real test of patience. Firstly, there will mega zillions of people just like me doing that one year off thingy... So stand in line patiently and praying hard that more priest will show up.

My confession waiting time today is one hour. and mind you!!! 1 hour standing in line huh.

then I was like trying to remember the Act of Contrition rite... i mean i only say it once a year!!!! DUH of course I forget. I wrote it down in a paper before I went. And after confessing and then the priest said.. say the act of contrition now.. i just blanked. and he stared at me.. and said again. Say the Act of Contrition :) then i just went thru it like the bullet train hahahhaa... but at least he didnt' stop me and say, you said it wrongly so I pretty much guess I did it rite :)

Lately I have been very tired. WHy? Dunno. I still duno what to expect of this new job but looks like its leaving behind the O technology and doing more on windows stuff.

I just hope whatever it is , it won't involve coding... my greatest nitemare...

Ciao.. eyes closing...
heart bleeding.....

Winter Wonderland

We are into the 3rd week of Advent already. Christmas is around the corner.
I have enjoyed the carolling practises we had and the gigs we performed. I have to say that this year's carolling ain't as good at the last year's but then again last year we had more people.

Like today's gig at Sheraton, we only had 7 people in total. I guess it takes commitment to be involved in things like this. I enjoyed the singing eventhough I do hope that my voice will still be there when Christmas appoaches. Its almost cracking already.

During this Christmasy time, I sometimes think about thos good old days when christmas time was white. I love the first snow. When it falls its just so beautiful, light and clean. I like to see the first snow not in the normal light but how it looks under the neon lights. And how it feels, so fluffy and light. I used to dine with this guy at the dining center. I forget how i got to know him. Probably thru mimi hmmm.. and mimi is one gal who flirts with all the guys be it white or whatever color. all i can remember is there are about 4 of us who used to dine together.

One late evening, while walking back from having dinner at the dining center, we saw the first snow and what more under the streets lights. As you know, the sky gets dark very early during winter time. I was going on and on about how beautiful the first snow look under the street lights. and how clean it is and fluffy and the beautiful formation of the snow flake. He just stared at me like I have gone nuts.

I mean Jason has lived all his life in the US. He is an American. So he is so used to these things that he hardly sees the beauty in it anymore. As for me, i cherish every experience and moment that I am there as I know thats its only temporary that i get to live in such a 4 seasoned place. I wish in my heart then and even now that I had the chance to live on there.

The first snow is beautiful but the slush which it turns into at the end or almost at the end of the winter is gross. And the end of winter is the worse coz when the ground is wet and summmer approaching those earth worms will start creeping out. and its every where. And its not the short ones that we see here.. its long and i mean long.... At nite when you walk back to the dorms, you can't see em.. and you step on them.. GROSSSSSSSSSS.... and as you know, everywhere in the dorm is carpetted. So you walk in and step on the carpets with this stuff stuck to the bottom of your shoes. :)

You know, I get melancholy when I think about the past and esp during Christmas time. Think about the 3 White Christmases I spent in the states. Then I remembered, my ex company's MD used to say. People who live in the past will not progress into the future. :(

But whatever it is, I miss the times of the winter wonderland. The times where I layed on the snow and made snow angels and the snow man...... Thos were the beautiful times in my life.

I never did have many friends. I think its my nature that I am very cautious with getting close to people. but anyhow, some good people still find their way to me and we cross path and met. The beauty of fate.

What I wish for Christmas would be to find that man in my life and have a loving family. Whether that will be realized or not is a different matter. But at least i have a wish

Counting down to Christmas....

The Age Factor

I have to admit that this topic has been running in my mind for awhile now. At the time before i hit 30 it was constantly on my mind. Then when I hit 30 - it wasn't that bad.
Just recently it got me thinking again. How did this come about?

Well, I went for carolling at the mall yesterday like infront of public audience , infront of ppl we dont' know :) Anyways.... 3 of us were in the car and were talking and apparently all 3 of us changed jobs this year. One of us was in HR. So she mentioned that should move before we hit 35. Coz once we hit 35 no one would wanna hire us anymore. How sad....

I mean why do people need to look at age as a factor? Isn't that unfair? What if I am 35 but and a hardworker and also a good employee - wouldn't that count for something. How come our asian culture doesn't give a person in their 30s to change their job function or change of career.

I have read in the newspapers , overseas where poeple change their jobs at age of 40 to different areas of their career. Some even to a totally new field.

I got me thinking. What if i hit 35 and decides that IT is not for me no more. Would it mean that I still have to stick to it and suffer with it till i retire? What a horrid thought.

This world....

the mind

i started a new job - my 3rd new one this year. Its been about 3 days now. Often when i get back from work, I switch on the pc and then i logon to blogger but some or rather I don't feel like writing so I log off again.

I can't begin to explain how i feel inside. I believe my problem with myself is so deeply rooted that I don't know what it is anymore.

Something really terrible about me. My Mind - is constantly analyzing , thinking and on top of all worrying. Every little bit of things - I will ponder and analyze and think. That part of it has brought many many problems in my life.

But I can't switch it off. Constantly, even during sleep, my mind if ticking. Maybe that is why I can't have a good sleep.

Maybe thats the reason why I am so tired. I am mentally drained.

I think alot I have to admit. I have to find a reason for everything. But maybe life is like that, you can't find a reason for everything.

I remember once in my philosophy class, I was asked by the professor. You're a christian. why do you believe in God. How do you know there's God. I said.. for me, its like the air you breath, you can't see it yet you know its there. That's how it is for me. Maybe that's faith....

This Advent season, I have been praying to have this part of me sacrificed to God. I need to be able to leave my fears and worries to Him. Its tough.

SIgh... i don't know what to do.....

my mind - the ultimate confusion in my life.

Tired...

I am tired.... Tired tired tired.
of what?
of every damn thing in my life. Both physically and mentally tired.

wish I can be carefree.

Meaning of christmas

Recently, there's this radio station which i listend to - they have this competition to win some tics to watch The Polar Express and also at the end the grand prize is an IBM thinkpad. After you choose btwn door 1 or 2, if you get the door which has Santa in it, you win the tics for 4 to watch the movie and also a chance at the win the ThinkPad but you need to tell in ONE WORD, what christmas means.

Last sunday marked the beginning of the new church calendar year. Its also marks Advent. The time we wait. The time we clear ourselves and mind of things that's holding us to this world. The time we ponder on what being a christian means. How have I been as a christian. What things of this world which are holding me and I need to let go.

When i first heard that radio station and their question. I was thinking. Alot of people would say joy, peace, blablaba. I realized that HOPE would be a better reason for christmas. WHY? coz hope would bring happiness to the poor - hope for a better christmas, hope to put food on the table. Hope for people in countries of war - that during this christmas time at least the war would cease even if its just for a minute. hope to know there is still a glimmer of light for humanitity after all humans has done - Destroying the beautiful earth God has given us. Destroying life when God has given us life. Trying to take over the role of God by doing human cloning.

Hope - I like it. It brings people's spirits high.
I know what I must give during this advent season. I need to ask God's grace in an area in life that I can't seem to let go.

Self interest

I am very disappointed yesterday after i handed in my resignation. I can't comprehend how some people can live with themselves.

I guess the meaning of respect has been miscontrue. People in high position always think that respect comes with position. But to me thats such an ancient thought. For me, no matter how high you are, you should think that respect comes with that. Respect comes with how you treat another person.

Belfong, i know that this is your favourite word.

Let me share with you. I have always been a person who abided rules even in primary and secondary school. Being a prefect in school for all those years - you're always looked at sometimes with respect , sometimes with hate. I guess that's with any position. You can't get the favours from everyone. I remember at one time, when I was about to be nominated as the Head of Prefects. I didn't want it. And there was another girl in school, who is pretty much a loud mouth and as a prefect she doesn't gain much favours. But anyways, she was nominated. I guess i have a group of prefects who still felt that I should be the head girl. So in a way, that girl felt it and one day she approached me and said this and that. I said, I have nothing to do with it. as you know I never wanted the position. I am contented being just a normal prefect. Anyways, she went around spreading things about me and some other people. Then she came to me and said that why did i say this and that i don't respect her. I told her this and I still remember very clearly what I said. I told her " You don't get respect just like that becoz you're a the head prefect, You EARN that respect" So actually what I was trying to tell her is that her behaviour does not reflect the behaviour of a head girl.

Funnily that same sentiment was playing in my head yesterday. I am still pretty upset about what happened yesterday. Yesterday I put in my resignation. As per stated in the offer letter, it only needed 24 hour notice. So I went to work and then gave my boss the letter in the morning. I explained to him that I have decided to move back to MNC environment. Then he didn't even bother to open the letter or take it. It was just left at the position at where it was placed by me. Then he said, since you have decided i dont' think I can change your mind therefore all the best.

Then 10 minutes later, the secretary came running to everyone who is officer and high rank and said there is to be a meeting at 9.10am. So I went to see HR and handed in my letter to the lady. She asked me how did your boss take it. I said , he didn't even bother to look at the letter nor open it. She was shocked.

But the shocking one is yet to come. AT the meeting after discussing other things, obviously he brought up the fact that I had resigned and with 24 hour notice. Then he said this "Mystic, this is the advice I have for you. You should always respect the person who has hired you and the org that has hired you. Eventhough its within your rights to resign with 24 hours but you should think that you should give us enough notice to find a replacement and to have a proper handover. If you thnk that since you're leaving anyway, you dont' care then you're heartless"
I was shocked with this. As when i handed him the letter he didn't bother to say anything. This was his revenge I guess. Then he added on saying he is a professiona,, work is work personal is personal. to me that's bullshit... As this just show that he took it personally. I said " Mr.T, I am not that sort of a person, I will hand over everything to SP before I leave and you know that" He just refused to acknowledge that and carry one talking. He added, I don't know what you're thinking or whats in your head but if you were to come in earlier and talk to me we could have worked something out.

I can tell you this, It was at the tip of my tongue to say this. HE DIDNTRESPECT EITHER. He thinks that respect some only in one form which is with THE position he HOLDS. Which is so wrong. I too am to be respected as an employee and as a human being. You could have very well told me when i saw you one to one but with vengence you toldthat infront of 20 other people. In his case he is just selfish. With his only interest to get his work done.

If in the event that the situation was the opposite and the policy states that only 24 hours notice is required to be given to each party, he would have done the same thing. With no compassion what so ever.

To me respect doesn't come wtih the position. You may get certain advantage with the position but respect doesn't come automatically. Respect comes when you treat another human being with dignity and courtesy. Thats what respect is.

In this work place I have seen an executive shouting at another clerk level person who reports to her. But why does she need to speak to the other person that way. Doesn' that person deserve the right to be spoken to properly. The clerk has feelings , emotions, she is HUMAN. I never believe in that.

I am sad that in such a short period of time, I have seen so much injustice in this place and it will not change. Coz we have people like MR.T that thinks RESPECT comes with position.

To me, You maybe the lowest ranked person on the whole universe. But if you have dignity and work with compassion and courtesy - you have my respect. I never shun a tea lady out becoz she works in the pantry. I talk to them, I joke with them. I know the parking attendant that works at my previous company. He tells me when there is a traffic jam or when its raining heavily to becareful. You see, if you treat people with diginity, you get respect automatically.

The world will not be a better place if people think that respect will get you places.
Sepandai2 tupai melompat akhirnya jatuh ke tanah juga.

Just another Friday

It was about 7.05am. I left home and went to fill up the gas tank for my car. After doing all that I headed to work. While driving suddenly, I saw this M gal standing right infront of my car and refuse to move. So I had to stop there for awhile. Then I decided to reverse my car and move to the next lane. While i was reversing and turning to the next lane she rushed over to my car trying to stand infront again. But the car was faster and I just drove on. It scary and the weirdest I have ever encountered so far in my life.

What more her mouth was moving the whole time when she stood infront of me. Mumbling what I dont' know. Scary if you ask me. Well maybe that jinked the whole resignation thingy.

Ugly Malaysians...

Ugly Malaysians.... I first heard that term was during my secondary school days in my english class. Our english teacher brought us and article for us to discuss. It talks about all the ugly habits malaysian can have. And mind you its all true and you will feel "how can malaysians have such behaviors" well now its worse.

This morning i saw another article with the term ugly malaysians.

Well, I wouldn't say I am perfect but i sure cannot stand some of the behaviors of these ugly malaysians. Eg would be, if you travel in a plane, these ppl would ask for blanket and then when no one is looking , they slip that blanket into their bag, or the fork and spoon after they eat.. blabalba. You get the gist.

You know this is another habit i can't stand. We had training for 3 days, internal training but conducted by external consultant. So we have 2 breaks and 1 lunch break - all provided. Lunch is provided at the cafetaria and catered by the company's caterer and so is tea.

What I saw is really bad behavior. This even started on the first day itself. From my dept there are about 6 partipants. And this training is initiated by our dept but we have other depts attending as per our invitation. Gosh.. on the first day, during tea, while we were still standing at the area wehre they had food. I saw these two from my dept, one is bonnie mind you and another is a lady about 36 years old, they are packing the stuff into another plate to be taken to the others in the dept. Gosh what bad habit. and i purposely said, wow.. cleaned up the plate huh. Their faces changed but that didn't stop them.

If you thought that was bad, yesterday during lunch I witness something which is worse. As mentioned earlier, each is given a lunch coupon. So this same 36 year old woman, came to the cafetaria at the special section where we had the catered food and bringing her boss in too. Only with one coupon. The boss went to sit at the table, while she went to stack her plate to the brim and brought another extra plate to transfer the food for her boss. GOSH .... i can't believe it...

can you imagine... this is just half of what all the ugly habits that malaysians have.

Malaysians need to have a change of attitude....
or is this a universal asian culture. Its sad if it is...

A Nobody

A nobody... have you had the come across your mind before? Well I have many many times.
Just recently i watched the cartoon - Shark Tale. There's this character in the cartoon movie that says, he is a nobody. He wanted to be a somebody. When i heard that, it just strike a chord.

I have wandered in this world feeling like a nobody. a NOBODY.
But then later the character realized, he had something when he was a nobody. But when he became somebody, he lost that something which he never realized he had when he was a nobody.

So being a nobody ain't that bad either huh. It's just the bloodee's worlds view that you need to be a somebody.

My bonnie lies.....

okie, upon a friend's request, I am writing more about bonnie. For the benefit of others who doesn't want what bonnie means - well it just defines people who give u a hardtime at work.

Well bonnie has been in this work place for about a year plus now. Whats bonnie's problem. Well she just gets on to people's nerves. What way you may ask. Well in a mega mega way.

So, I have been only working here for the past 3.5 months. I still remember very clearly, the first few weeks at work. Basically she has an attitude problem. The way i see it, she thinks she is so smart and everyone is below her. Can't wait till the day she falls flat on her face.

I remember her insurbordination one day. And i was very pissed off after that incident. I called her into the room with another unit head which was involved in the situation too. Wow.. she raised her voiced during the session and trying to show she knows alot. I told her properly and said alot of things to her and she was pissed and the next day to just piss me off she took MC. Everyone knew that it was a fake MC. But what the heck. I am not bothered.

Bonnie i would say is technically inclined. But mind you, she only works with MSSQL and writes SQL statement. She thinks she is intelligent but i think there is another guy who is the same age and graduated the same time as her who is better. Only problem is, bonnie is very bold and she would just say things out right. The guy becoz of his poor communications skills, he shy off abit when it comes to expressing himself. So bonnie, is not that great in communications either but she thinks damn highly of herself. I dont' think bonnie will go far in life with her attitude like that. She doesn't RESPECT a single soul. She lies and i caught her a few times. But just like me i will say it and put it subtlely that she has no choice but to follow what i say :P

Alrighty , bonnie will be history in my life soon.. yahooooooooooo

Culture

What is Culture. If I were to follow the definition given to me when I took sociology class at Uni, it would meant that a certain behavior and way of living of a community of people.

If you were to read the book , Tuesdays with Morrie, you will come across a section where he talks about culture. How morrie always tells the author, not to conform to culture. Dont' give in to culture. The culture that tells you, buy this and you will be better, use this and you'll be better. Interesting aint it?

Well, in sociology term , we will call these people deviant..... That got me thinking, in a way its good not to just follow a culture or a way of living. But going against it , isn't going to be easy. It will darn tiring if you ask me.

Like me, I don't gossip at work much. My moto is do work and then cut the crap and bullshit and finish and then be done with it. Some people get offended. like this to create this culture.. or rather the M culture where they just gossip, lepak wait for time to pass then pulang rumah. But after awhile hor.. you also get tired.

I dont' know, being deviant can be good but tiring. But then again, it takes guts to be a deviant to a certain culture.

I think alot, maybe thats why I like courses like Psychology, sociology, philosophy, organization behavior.. hmmm... maybe i should go into research :P

Hope...

I read the Word among US - a daily meditation book. Its a Book that has the bible readings and then a write up regarding the readings for the day. It also has nice miracle and inspirational stories. It makes me feel good to read them. Of course sometimes, the message can be quite harsh too.

Today in the reflection area, there was this sentence " Hope is faith directed to the future. Its faith acting on and trusting in the promises God has made. "

Its good to have hope. But isn't it the word of this world that being too hopeful sometimes just brings more disappointments? I dont' know but I sure want to have hope.

I am already fighting with having faith. So is hope easier to embrace?

I am struggling to leave everything at His feet and just have peace in me. Yesterday, I was so worried. I am to move out this Sat and then so many things crop up. The lorry is too small lah, the lorry is senget lah. Now have to source for another lorry. At this festive period, where can get one so easily. I pray. I want to lift it up to Him. But at the moment I will say it but in a matter of few couple of minutes later, the negative thoughts floods back. So how ...?

Local Artist

Okay, I have to admit that I have never thought very highly of local artist. Be it Singers or actors, etc. I mean if you really looked at the type of films they actually produced... can faint. Well, I have to admit long long ago, when there was this man called P. Ramlee. It was different then. His shows were funny and heart warming. Those are what I called true film. These days it just sucks. I mean there are a few in btwn that deserve applause. But they hardly come by.

Recently, I came across this article about this song writer named Juwita Suwito. My first instinct was aiyah, she probably only writes thos M songs you know. But then I read in the Herald about her first album and its in ENGLISH!!. So i decided to go to the music store to get one. Oh Boy! Little did I know that finding her alblum was really a trying experience. I went to so many music shops but they didn't carry her album. I finally found the album. WOW - what can I say... Her voice is beautiful. And For a local artist.. she is good...

So maybe I should be making judgments too much about these local artist. Maybe just maybe they actually do have strong talent within them.. :) I have to stop being so critical aye?

Tuesdays with Morrie

Tuesdays With Morrie.....


I started reading this book called Tuesdays for Morrie yesterday. Its by this Author named Mitch Albom. How did i first come to know about this book. Well I was at this book rental place and I saw this brand new book on the shelf, The 5 people i meet in heaven - and intrigued by the title, I borrowed the book and read it. Pretty Good, certain paragraphs I don't quite get it. But overall its interesting look on what heaven is like according to the interpretation of the author. Then I was looking forward to reading this first book called Tuesdays with Morrie. Well I wasn't sure if it was good and was trying to see wheter i could actually borrow it. But the book was constantly out. hmmm.. Then on sunday my sister managed to borrow a copy.


I started reading yesterday but I am almost half way through the book. As usual, like my brother used to say, I am a fast reader and its a waste of money buying books in my case. :) But then, I think this book is really really good. I would need to re-read again to let it really register. It touches my core. It home in alot of aspects.

Some of of fears in life is addressed. As some of the people who knows me might alread know. Its been a couple of years now that I try to figure about what my life is about. My purpose. Is money that important. My Fear of Aging. Growing old. There was time when I was around 28 and I dreaded hitting 30... its like a mandatory death sentence for me. But now I am over that threshold, things seems to be still the same. Just that my biological clock is ticking. Of course I also have this attacks of fears - I don't deny it. But has happen more often now than before.

I wish I had a teacher like Morrie. To talk to me, to push me in the right direction. To help me discover my passion,my talent, my gift in order to walk with earth with more ease and pleasure.

Being my 30s now, I am still afraid of what tomorrow might bring. What if do not have enough money. What if at that time, i have no family to take care of me. All these fears!!!! I need a teacher...an interactive one.

I think religion and God is able to give that direction. But at times I crave to have the interactive session where I can ask and will get an instantaneous answer. Asking for too much.... hmmmmmmmmmmmm...

Looking back....

Looking Back…

Its almost the end of the year now, 2 months before the year officially ends. Looking back, this year has been such a traumatic year for me yet.

I have deemed my life as not meaningful. I have always felt that I haven’t achieved much in life. And often wondered where is my place here on this planet called earth.

I was trying to think back to all the events that happened to me this year and to my surprise this has been the most eventful year of my life. Both with experience that I would never forget and also sadness which I wished I never had to go through. But such is life; bitter sweet. Some say bitter sweet is good, it gives a way to know both what bitter and sweet is like so we can appreciate each more.

Let’s start with Jan. This month still plays clearly in my mind. Almost haunting. This was the month that I saw two of my colleagues receive the letter and their redundancy package. And I received the letter of transfer to another department. All the trauma and the fear still stick to my mind – as though it just happened yesterday. I wish I didn’t have to go through that. But it was the time, that I was forced to move from being complacent to change. Its tough. I still hate my ex SD for doing this to us.

That was the beginning of the most shitful year for me. Things just couldn’t settle. Even though when I was at good old O, I was constantly complaining but when I forced to leave, I felt a sense of lost. Not only in terms of the feelings I have in my heart but I felt like I had no direction and no purpose. Silly you might say. But I just couldn’t adapt. Its true they say, its better the devil you know.

This was the year, that I moved job the most times than I can remember. Sigh… I can’t believe it, makes me wonder now, what am I looking for.

This is also the year that I lost a family member. The wound is still so raw that even by just thinking about her , bring tears to my eyes. It brings back all the guilt, the feelings of all the things that I could have done better for her but in which I didn’t. I wish I had been kinder. Maybe this to serve as a lesson learnt. We have to vigilant, as do not know when the time will come.

This year too, I have had visions like I never had before. I don’t even trust myself to believe it sometimes. But I believe I couldn’t have imagined all these things. Starting with the vision of Mother Mary placing the sign of cross on my forehead at the hotel in Penang and then more during Sarah’s funeral.

This year too, I found that I have never been so broken. I found and acknowledge that I am no one if I do not get HIS help. The year , which I finally questioned myself more and more. Learning to trust HIM more. Its hard. I am still learning each day to let go and I pray that with HIS Grace and Mercy I will be able to eventually.

This is also the year, I felt I lost myself most, drifting in this sea… alone. Helpless. Asking for help…. Confiding more in people more than I ever did before.

This is the year, I know I won’t forget…. This is the year that I hope will be turning in my life and the journey to an eventual change for something better……

Dear Year 2004, the year that brought me change, forced me to move, forced me to seek, brought me sadness and realization. I thank You for a eventful year….

Almost....

This morning while driving to work as usual my mind was preoccupied.
Was thinking so much. Kept thinking about why whyw hwy... EM nor D called....
then suddenly the car infront of me braked.. I thought... i couldn't break in time.. i surve my car to the other lane.. thank God .... there was no car coming.. or else.. MATI LIAO....

probably will be six feet under. I want white roses if that ever happens... and I want my ashes scattered in the ocean... :)

ciao

si liow lah

Die liao lah

:(

Ability to totally trust and let go

Its the end of another week. I am relief that I don't have to work tomorrow. I have decided, I need to find a 5 day a week job once more. Coz this is mental torture.

This week has been a roller coaster ride for me. One moment, I feel confident that God will answer my prayer. Then on wed, i met with this lady L together with CJ. Cj has problems with her social life always had since the day i knew her. Always ending up with wrong type of people. I introduced her to this healing session thingy and she actually went for a private session. Anyways, to cut the story short, there is this lady who is part of the healing ministry who can actually have visions. So CJ told me that she going to go and see her on wed just to have a chat. I wanted to follow along too as I wanted to ask some qs too.

So on Wed, we met up with L. L pretty much gave us an insight on faith blablabla and such. She also mentioned that God answers every prayer in His Time and sometimes the answer to a prayer is NO. So I asked about my sister in law's case. As since then, I am so afraid, that i might get a different answer eventhough during the healing another answer was given. See during Sarah's last healing session before her passing, the members of the ministry had msg and vision that Jesus was healing Sarah. But yet she passed on. So i asked.... L. Since it was said that JC is healing Sarah how come she died? L said that JC's version of healing is healing the soul not necessary healing her of her medical condition or physical state. So her life after death is purely more important. I told L about my issue how i long to just get out. She told me to pray about it and i told her I believe that God has opened the path for me for this EM thingy. I am not sure if I am reading too much into the signs. See, i got the 1st phone call from EM on Aug 12th 2004. I have changed my phone in June and i applied for the EM job in May. and no news. Yet they managed to call the old phone which was not assigned yet to anyone in O and managed to hear my voice msg that asked them to call me at my new mobile no. With God's grace i went for 1st int. Then i start this crap job. During the int they told me 3-4 weeks before they would contact for 2nd int but it was just 3 working days after i first went for the 1st int that they called me in for the 2nd int. And that was my 3rd day at work. So i couldn't go. I told them i need to reschedule and she told me that the reason why she is calling fo the int this week is becoz next week the manager will be going on 3 weeks leave. I asked for reschedule after the manager gets back. I didn't get a call at all. Then i called and asked afte 2 weeks to see whether i had the chance for the 2nd int or have they got their candidate. She said that they will schedule and will call me once the manager is back. So..... no call... after the duration of 3 weeks was up so i called them up as a follow up. And she said she was going to call me next week. I wnet for the second int and now they say there's a 3rd. So i reckon God has brought me so far, I am sure he will clear the path for me. That's what I am hoping.

But after talking to L, i felt my confidence slipping and she recommended a book called My Daily Bread. we proceeded to her house since she had 2 extra copy which we could purchased from her. She told us the power of the book. She said pray and then ask for answer , turn the book anyhow and when you select a page the msg is there to answer whats in your heart at that time. Alas i tried it for 2 days and both time msg not so good wor.. I so sad lah. Then i was dwelling on this and i heard this voice in my head. That said " What little faith you have" at that time i was thinking that the answer is probably a NO from HIM. So i guess there's still hope right.... after i heard that voice in my head?

I will carry on praying but L suggested that i bring up this and let the Lord know my desire for this EM thingy and that if this is not for me to ask HIM to open another door for me. I want to but my heart doesn't want to let go completely. Will that effect the final outcome?

Making the Right Decisions

Is there Such a thing in life. Making the right decision. Or is it at the very point in time the decision is right and that's the only time its rite to the core? I have many times made decisions which i thought were the right ones, then after executing it, it just turns out to be so wrong.

Is that why they say you should't base your decision just on your own but always bring it up to the Lord. I have done that too. But the sad thing is , I cannot ever hear when I most want to hear from Him. Or maybe He is speaking to me but due to my human nature, I don't hear him?

These last few months has been really tough for me. I know everyone I know out there is probably fedup of talking to me. But I try. i do. I apply for job, i moved on from my old job.I try to make the right decisions but alas it all fails me.

I read the bible to know whats God's message is for me. But i don't see it. Almost every nite for the past few months I have been crying. Tears always streaming down. Not that I don't want to snap out of it, I don't know how. I am so afraid to make anymore decisions as each one i make I just fall deeper.

I would love to be able to have a dream again. To do what i want without having to worry about what my parents would do to me when they find out I want to leave the country and move somewhere else and not kill me about the new condo. Quit my job when i want to. Travel far and see the world without having to worry about money. Singing and laughing and writing and just being happy. But dare not as dreams are only dreams they don't make out reality or very seldom do.

Who am I? Thats what I need to discover once more. But Who can help me answer?
What talents do I have? the bible says, God has given everyone gifts of the spirit, talents, uniqueness of personality to help this world. But what's mine? I always feel I have no talent and no gifts. Recently after reading the bible, i asked myself, I do have the gift of being able to speak well in front of people, i have good communications skills. But is that enough to get me anywhere? Everyone looks at certs. Funny thing after 8 years in working life and having a degree people still look at SPM results. mad.

Anyways............ what makes a good decision?

Seeing a Shrink ...?

The week started off okay. Was in some course for 2 days. So the week passed by pretty quick. But after that the anxiety continued on. I was pondering and I realised this inability to sleep and waking up at odd hours has gone quite far. Today after I woke up, i just felt this ache all over. So Yesterday evening, i decided to go see my friend who is a dr. Prior to this I have already contacted him and asked where to seek help esp for people like me who is depressed over everything.

We spoke for awhile. I mentioned that I have lack of confidence to do anything. It just became worse as the time went by. At least in O , i could still take it until I was actually transferred to consulting and that really crushed everything. He mentioned that lack of confidence is the result of being depressed coz you feel you're not good enough for anything. Well to cut a long story short, he suggested that i join some activity may it be church or anything so that I have some support. He doesn't believe that i need to see a real shrink but feels that i need to mix with people more to get support and maybe eventually find out what the world has to offer me. Which is quite true.

I told him about how I was thinking about quitting and doing some charity work or church work but I am afraid to do it. Thinking about not having an income is really scary. Is that step too drastic? Or is it me not wanting to take that step being afraid that I might like it too much? Could that be my calling but I decided to shun it away.

I have no answers at the moment but I would need to find the answers soon. I am going to be a year older next year and whats going to happen then? Is this going to follow me thru out my life?

kitaro.......

Okie, so yesterday, i had the privilege to go watch Kitaro's concert at Genting's. Well free tics mind you and VIP seats sommore. But what turned out initially to be a good outing got me to be really pissed off.

So what happened you might ask!? Well, firstly the concert was at 8pm. But my friend who got the tics said i need to be in her house at 12.30pm coz they - the rest of the people wanted to go early. Okie what she neglected to tell me was that , 12.30 was so that she could go to the gym and work out while i waited like a ding dong for her for 3 hours!!!!!!! Then dilly dally only drove up to Genting at 5pm. Imagine i wasted my whole afternoon for nothing. I was already in a bad mood. I mean you don't waste people's time like that rite? And brother!!!! you please tell the truth the next time. People's time ain't for you to waste around.

Then got up to gentings with this hell driver who never bothered about our safetly. Drove like a maniac. Talks alot of bullshit and thinks he is some hot shot. Pity the gf who laughs at his every stupid and idiotic jokes. He looks like a bull but truely has a brain the size of a pea. Some what if you can imagine Brutus in popeye to be, he is resembles that alot.

WE got to the concert. LATE!!!! coz my friend invited her hair dresser and he came bloodee late. 15 minutes after 8pm he was still not there!!!!! malaysians and their sense of time!!!!

Got in there.. seats were VIP but cacat!!!! cos its all the same level so you pretty much only see the person infront of you - the back of their heads. Unless you're super duper tall. Okie then concert started. Pretty good. But half way thru, the song lulabbied me into ZZZzzzZZZ hahahaha. but overall its good.

Then the irritating speciments started their characters again. Well.... drove like a maniac down and it was 2am when i got to my friend's house and i had to drive back to home sommore. Mom called while i was driving.... coz she was worried. I thought they were very inconsiderate, coz they knew i was suppose to drive back home (the rest are being chaufferred home). Yet they dilly dallied after the show.... makan minum cakap bnayak2 then while in the restaurant tak nak pergi toilet, while walking to the car park then they said they want to go toilte.. BUGGERS. I already marah sgt. THen the gal the gave us the tics never ceased to stop reminding us that we owe her big time. In my heart, you INVITED us. So whats with the remark. Rite? So much for being a friend and being sincere about the invitiation.

Too hoots to them.
Ciao.

Making it thru the week

Its now 1 week since the passing of Sarah. I just don't know how to begin to tell my story. Eventhough its been a week, sometimes when I drive to work or from work or just sitting down doing nothing and I think of Sarah, my tears will just flow.
Eventhough I myself have seen her waving good bye and smiling to me during one of the prayers but still I can't seem to be able to accept that she has gone from this good earth.
Maybe this is also coupled with my emotional state at the moment. Everyday waking up is like an agony. At times, I ask that my life be taken too. But I know that's wrong and sinful but truely, have you ever walked about as though you're without a soul? I do. Almost constantly I am in this state.
Making it worse, the time at work just passes so slowly - always so draggy. I dont' know which is worse, being too busy untill you brains is about to burst or having too much time in hand that you actually write the interval of hours in a paper and striking each hour off as the hour come to meet you.
Dad will be going tomorrow to see the doctor. There is an arteri which is 100% blocked. So I can assume my dad is very nervous after the case of Sarah. Well, just have to pray.
I was invited to watch Kitaro's concert at Gentings tomorrow. Hmmm.. Well i was informed to Dress nice. whatever that definition is. Funny thing is I shop but I still dont' really have nice clothes hahaha. Hmmm...

correction to the previous post

Just wanted to amend the sentence

"After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace."

which is suppose to read

"After years of sufferring, she is now I pray in peace."

Let me begin by saying. I actually wrote an entry yesterday but while trying to save it, the broswer hung and all the typing was gone.

On 8th September 2004, my sister in law was called back to the Lord. After years of sufferring, she is not I pray in peace. At 12.30am on Wed (8/9/04), the phone was ringing at 12.30am. My brother was on the phone, he said " Ling, ask mummy to light a candle for Sarah. she is not breathing already" Then before i could ask anything, he started to cry and hung up. I called up my mom and informed her while we lighted a candles for her. My younger brother and my uncle immediate drove up to the hospital.

Upon their return, we were informed that Sarah is in icu and she cannot longer sustain breathing on her own and had to be placed on life support. We were all praying for her. I prayed and prayed for her unable to sleep the whole night. Praying that God will regain her consciousness. All I could think of was her two young children, my nephew who is 4 and my niece who is 7. Both will be too young to comprehend what has happened to their mother.

I feel so sad too that i didn't get to see her before all this has happened. I regret not visitng during her last stay at the hospital. I was due to see her on wed but she pased before i could.

It was my brother who drove her body back from the hospital with her younger brother craddling her body in the car. My brother seemed so composed and strong but I am sure his emtions are even more in turmoil than mine. My brother was with her during her stay in the hospital which was more than 1 week already before her passing.

But being only human, my mom said he broke down shortly before the kids were due. He just couldn't stop crying.

Emotions are so high at the moment but i would say, at least today I am able to speak without tears streaming down like as though I have no control of it.

THe saddest part was when I went to my brother's house with the kids who were still at my house. They saw the tent and the amount of people they didn't want to alight from the car. My brother then came out and hold their hands and brought them in. I heard him telling the older gal that " you must remember mummy". As both were afraid to look at the casket. The younger one I heard him asking my brother " why cannot see mummy's body".

Its so sad. They cannot comprehend ....

Yesterday I went there and as i entered the house i bless the casket with holy water. And i saw little anthony. I asked him whether he would like to place holly water. He said to me " I already do it many many times, so mummy can wake up" So sad.. tears were brimming in my eyes already.

Its funny how sometimes, when the person is around, we do not appreciate them when they are gone we miss them, we have regrets on things we didn't do for them. Thoughts started pouring into our minds.

I will not forget the words she said to me when I saw her in the hospital few months ago when she was first diagnosed with cancer that is after years of sufferring with SLE lupus. She said that all her life she has already been unhappy, depressed, worried. She told me this " Be happy, do things that you will make you happy and that you like". I will always remember that.

Eternal Rest grant unto her Oh Lord and let perpetual light shine upon her and may Sarah's sould Rest in Peace. Amen.

Life is painful

Today, I had the shock of my life. There's this customer i met while I was still at O. He was a customer who attended the same training I did. He is a foreigner who worked here for 7 years. I mentioned WORKED becoz he has since left to go back to his homeland. But being out of the country for so long, obviously he hated the lifestyle back home now.

I can relate to that as during the initial period when I got home from the states, everything just seemed wrong in every aspect. As time went by, I beginning to appreciate my family. I still dislike somethings but I learned to appreciate some things too.

Today I saw him over the chat, he had seemed very uncommunicative of late. But I just shook it off as you know, maybe I am just a bore and he didn't want to talk. For the few times we chatted over the months, he kept saying to me " Mystic, learn to love yourself".

Today he told me that he is at the verge of suicide and he couldn't contain himself from shedding tears. That reminded me of myself just last week. Last friday after breaking down like a psycho, i went to church to find solace. I wish i could be there for him, hold his hand and tell him that i am here to support him. Its so very different when you're miles apart and you have this friend that is feeling so much pain within and doesn't know what to do. I can totally relate to that. Its so sad. I saw the mirror of myself in him all of a sudden. Coz during that period of pain, I tried calling my so called close friends none bothered to pick up the phone none bothered to call me back. It felt so alone and you feel like you've been crushed.

Let me share with you. All this past year i have known him, he had been this strong person. Strongest i have ever met. One that knew what he wanted out of life. One who is educated, one who spoke afew languages, one who gave up a mgt position to be an ordinary DBA/programmer. One who just recently got a good offer to work in canada for 3 months and then going back again for another 3 months. He was due to go in the next couple of weeks. Then this sudden break down really shocked me. There was no signs. I guess being in this situation is more lethal than ever.

He mentioned that he received this document that says, "people who love you always leave you, people whom you hate always stick around." Well i certainly hope that's not true. Maybe its loneliness that is crippling him. maybe just like me, he has lost sight of what he is fighting for, what he's goal is. He isn't telling me whats the true reason but kept saying its too late. But whatever it is, I will say a prayer for him as I know how awful and draining and what it makes you feel like doing " end your life". Some people think its a joke, but truely, they will never really know if they have never ever been in that situation. Its almost crippling. When you try but its just engulfs you so tight that you do wish you were dead.

I have a friend let's call her, J. She had life easy so she views that there shouldn't be problem in the world. She can't comprehend it and i dont' think she will ever be able to comprehend it. I hated it so much when she sits on her high horse and lectures. To me, don't preach about something you have no experience in and think that theory can help you solve it.

Maybe people like us just needs a listening ear, a sympathetic heart and an encouraging word. Is that so hard to give to someone you call FRIEND?

Pondering

I was going thru my email and i realized that since i placed my name in the match.com.my. Maybe its becoz its an MY site. I have been getting emails but less now than before. But majority are from indians nah.

Made me think really. Lets see. My best friend for years used to be an indian gal. Knew her since kindergarten and up to now am still friends but am not that close no more. That happened after she met mr right and then disappeared from the face of the earth. And now she has surfaced back but i guess we have all along been able to pick off where we left off but i realised to a certain extent the friendship is no longer the same.

Then i looked at my working life. The same thing occur. During my first job - same thing , got to know indian gal first. Then at O also same thing, good friend at work was indian. hmmm..

Then in match. com the same old thingy!!! makes me wonder really. Whats the connection I have with indians.

Funnily my mom when she speaks on the phone, many times people have thought that she is indian. AHHAHA. Maybe its in the genes huh. Too bad though, look wise I am totally chinese.

There was once when i went for this mastery thingy with Y and her husband and myself. It was private session ya. Anyways.. during one session, Y mentioned to the instructor that she has always thought she wanted to marry a chinese and her husband is actually indian. So the instructor asked her, how did that come about? The instructor said somehow inside her she never really affiliated herself to being indian. Either she didn't like being indian or somewhat close to that reasoning. When the instructor said that, i thought about myself. All my life, I didn't like being chinese. I have always thought. Chinese ah.. looks also one kind, hidung penyek, mata sepet. Tak cun langsung. hehehe. Hmmm. maybe unconsciously, I am creating all this attraction to indian. But funny thing is, I dont' think I want to end up with one unless the person is not too indian like. Maybe its just that I like the way, they look ( some of them at least), big eyes, high nose. Something that I dont' posses? Could be.

Thinking alot of about what to do lately. I have decided to be very honest with myself. I realized that deep down inside, I wanted a job but not a job that is too bz or stress nor a job that is just plain boring and nothing to do. I am looking for the median. I have also been honest stating that no matter what people say about oh well at least you get 1 n 3 sat off. It still doesnt' make me feel better. I want to work only 5 days a week.

Then I thought, I want the EM job. But then as I was told during the int, might get calls at nite wor.... do i want that. But its working hours is 5 days loh. MNC loh. I think that's waht I want.

Then i tried to be honest with myself what i dont' like about this current place. Okay I have to be honest, its not as bad as the previous dickhead place but still... there is soemthing still missing. What bugs me the most is the process of getting a bloody software installed. Its been freaking 2 weeks plus, they still haven't installed the O software i need. Gosh.... imagine.. its pretty shitty if you ask me. Too slow a pace, too political how email flies, too much gossipping going around. Pening kepala!!!! Too far from every damn place. I know some people will say, so what.. this area all small things. Yeah small things that eventually gets to you.. little by little.

Considering going to emaus center today! wonder if i should, or should i really prep myself first.

On last thursday, I had dinner with a friend who now relocated back to malaysia from sg. While i was talking to her , she told me that she can sense I am breaking. I told her its true. I feel so close to having a nervous breakdown. at the end of dinner , she said, i noticed you're very concern about what your parents want and expect of you.. what your boss expect of you. But what does "you" want?

so who am I? Where should i start to rediscover myself? How do I begin?

Btwn being bored and being busy

Life is just such. When one has too much work, then one would complain endlessly. I have been woverworked. Too much work cannot cope.

When you have nothing much to do, you become so lethargic and bored. Falling asleep. Time passes by so slowly.

Gosh.. can't we have something in between. Between not so busy and not so idle? isn't there a median anymore?

anyways falling ZZZZzzzzz. Waiting for the time to pass seems like a major torture. its not even 4pm yet. Darn...

Pretending to be busy is getting harder and harder.

Well , i don't think its becoz there i snothing to do. I just don't know what is there to do.
Sucks.

Beauty of Life

Sometimes I wonder whats the beauty of life. I hear people talk about life all the time. Is there such thing as beauty of life? When i drive or when I am in the train or at a restaurant, i see some people - struggling thru life. I think about the taxi drivers, who has to be in the car the whole day; driving up and down. What more when traffic is at its most horrendous pace.

At times like this, I am thankful that I have a job. But when i think about it further, its not that I am not thankful I have a job, its just that I want life to be more than just a job. Its like I want to live life to the fullest - like when I wake up I have the time to go smell the rose, admire the break of dawn, take naps when I want. That's not idealistic you say?

That is why I do wonder people who has to work so hard, and like the labourer - does any of them actually see the beauty of life? If they do, then its so amazing. Either they are just too naive of they have certain believe that its not happiness doesn't lie in this material world. But I don't think I am a materialistic person. I mean i buy stuff but doesn't matter to me whether its guess or topshop or mng or some pasar malam crap. I will buy and wear them. I bought so many type of bajus from thailand and one from indon. When you wear them on, who can tell. But i see alot of people just buy for the sake of the brand. But then again maybe becoz ofmy physic I cant' fit some of the expensive but meant for scrawny people :P What to do, I have big thighs due to my running days in school.

Somtimes when I am asleep, or rather when I am half asleep - can't sleep well. I do get this thoughts running in my head that I wish I am dead. For the past few nites, the anxiety was high, therefore, i start praying the rosary of liberation - but still i dont' find peace. I doze off for a bit but then I wake up again and see that its just 5am. Everday its a routine. Then sometimes, I tell God, I don't want to be alive , Lord. I know thats bad but thats how I feel.

Have you heard of the word Carpe Diem?! I wish i can say that...... about how i live my life.

I haven't yet have the guts to call the counselling center.

I hope EM will call me......

Just about nothing and about everything

Its Sunday already. At least yesterday (SAT) I didn't have to work esp it being the 3rd sat of the month. Gosh for the past 8.5 years , I never did have to worry about which Sat i had to be at work. This sucks. I am looking forward to another job that can give me the 5 days effect man. This sucks.

Anyways, my anxiety is still high, it can't seem to be able to be calmed down. Its just rising higher and higher and even taking naps in the afternoon seems fruitless.

I went for a healing session at Chris's house last thursday. My sis-in-law was there too. There is this one indian lady who is really really gifted. She has the gift of being able to see what is happenning and also get messages from Holy Spirit during the praying over. But too bad, my turn came only at 11+pm when she had already gone home. Anyways, there is another lady who has about the same gift but just that hers is not usually as long and detailed as the Indian lady's.

I was told by this other lady that "You have asked and Have been Given, Now seek and you will find" Wow.... so makes me think now or rather for a few days now. Do I know exactly what I am seeking for? I asked for a job and I got it. I didn't ask for this Managerial job which i told the guy too - the one who was praying over me. But he said then this is the one for you. But even after the healing session, I myself am not sure. I wasn't able to sleep that nite too. I saw the sacred heart of Jesus during my rest in the spirit. Very far far away at the right hand corner and I told the team there. Chris says that " Bring Him closer". He also mentioned that i have lack of faith.

I guess my spiritual life has been a roller coaster on and off. Sometimes I am at the higher level of spirituality, but sometimes, I am just at the lowest point.

Today I kept pondering on the "Seek and You shall find" statement. I talked to my sister about it, she said maybe this job isn't for you. But you asked and have been given, now you need to open your eyes to find what is there and you will find it. But I dont' know why, i have this faint feeling in my heart that I am seeking for my direction in life. This job doesn't feel like one that would make me happy - as in like i feel alive kinda feeling. Maybe I am asking for too much. I certainly don't know.

I want to be healed of this sickness in me. The sickness that is running through my thoughts and my life. But what do I need to do to attain that. I am pretty much very tired. Extremely tired and maybe that is why I feel like totally giving up.

" Ask and You shall be given, Seek and You shall find, knock and the door will be opened for you"

I need to find my direction in this life...

complacent and contentment

Okie, I know i wrote in the blog this morning. But i just feel like writing again.

I spoke to my friend just now on the way back from work. YES i left on the dot. My team members were still at work. But i cabut. Nothing to do what. If people green eye that's their problem.

Its hard being a leader when you haven't been one before. Anyways.....I have been having sleepless nites. I wonder when this will end. Oh yeah, as i was saying, my friend told me that maybe i was too complacent and contented at my previous job and now that I left, nothing seem to be able to compare to it. Maybe thats true.

I find this job hard coz i have to know the terms and such and i can see its just the 1st week and my team members are already disrespectful coz they think they know alot. And what more freshies leh.

I am learning as much as I can, and I choose to ask people with experience. And the problem is the ladies I am getting help from are going for maternity........... shit luck or what.

But you know what my phone no this time is damn nice.... and id also damn nice.. no 4444 like previously short lived job. hahahaha.

I am totally a basket case... i am seriously thinking of seeking help from a councillor.

Never Ending Nerve Racking Situation

Okay, 1 st week at new job. How? Filled with nerve racking situation. Firstly, dont' know no banking jargon. Secondly, no experience as someone's manager what more for 6 people. I was unable to sleep from monday nite onwards. Everynite i am just in a daze. i can't sleep. I keep thinking what if i can't do it. Then how?

Then yesterday all hell broke lose. I was told I am to do review of coding of my team. HOW? Manager have to be doing programming also, I die loh!!!!!!!!!!

I want to leave this corporate shit! GIve me ideas on what else i can do. If there is something i can do but have no background in that, what can i do to get myself equiped and trained? I need to seriously think about it. I need to think as job as not just as a job. But something i would like to do ... when i wake up i am happy. Sound not idealistic? I think it can be done. I have seen people do it. WHY NOT ME

Whats your purpose here....

Lately, maybe becoz i have too much time on my hands. I have been pondering alot about what life means to me.

For the past 1.5 weeks, I have been waking up and being idle the whole freaking day. Just feel daze, walking around the house. Last of whole week I didn't even step foot out from the house. Not even to the garden. All I did was, wake up.... get online. Chat abit. Watch tv. Try to sleep in the blinking heat in the afternoon. which always fails as its burning hot in my room. So i end up watching all the telenova - the spanish dramas, the filipino drama on tv. hahaha. Talking about being such a couch potato.

On top of all that, I have been having anxiety attack quite alot lately. Out of the blue, i will feel a pang of panic. Be it the new job or thinking about growing older next year. When I look back, it seems that I have not achieved much. Is it that I haven't achieved much or what I have achieved doesn't bring meaning to my life.

I totally envy people who embraces life totally. They live everyday like there is no tomorrow. But I wonder though, how these people condition their minds? Isn't it human that we think about how to survive , about $$$, about our daily needs?

Afew days ago i came across a reading from Luke which reads : Trust God.
In there it says that we shouldn't worry too much about what to eat and wear as the birds and cows doesn't worry and God clothes them and provide for them. We being higher level than these two how can God not provide for us? Very meaningful. I guess its also a flaw in us humans that we always think about our needs beyond any other things. But to reach that leve of trust of not worrying about anything but just live life.. will be alot of hardwork for such a person like me.

Also of late, I kept thinking I will be turning another year older.. and soon will hit the mid 30s... its such a scary thought.

Sometimes, I have dreams about Tao - dunno where she is now. Maybe in cyprus happily married. Sometimes I have dreams about Iowa.. the snow... happy smiley faces of all the people i have known during University days.... I miss that. Maybe that was the happiest moment in my life.... That is why sometimes my mind just wills itself back to that moment.

Maybe, I am so unsettled in this period of my life ( that is the 8 years i started working) is becoz i long for the times , those happy times i have left behind.... At that time, I realized i never had to worry much about $$$ , about bf.. or anything. At that time I thought everything will fall into place. My goal was to get a degress , graduate with honors.. make the dean list every semester never letting my cgpa drop.. I had a purpose, I have a goal in life.

then when i started working reality struck. What has happened to me.. What happened to the charasmatic and confident person?

These 1.5 weeks... the only thoughts that kept coming back is that I don't want to work anymore. I even told my mom that, she said, you can do that but you will no money to spend. That's the world isn't it. The real world. Everything boils down to money.

I need to seek my dream again.. what is that. Is it being a good housewife.. and taking care of my kids( if i do ever have any) or being a successful working person. AT this point i think i will opt for the former. But time is running out... biological clock is ticking like mad dog....

If I do have a dream or goal , will my life have more meaning. Will i wake up with a purpose in this life?

Do you think it would make a difference where I physically am? Be it in MY or AU?

I am just like the lost souls.....

Weird-ness

I guess being human, there are areas about humans that we cant' understand ourselves. I for one, sometimes do not even understand what I want. I totally admire those people who really knows what they want. But I wonder does this change with each phases of life or is it constant.

I have been at home for 4 days nows. Shame to say I have accomplished nothing. Absolutely nothing. I spend my time basically watching tv and sleeping. Even getting online has been minimized. i only get online, chat with some friends - always less than 1 hour duration.
surfing also nothing much to surf.

so i usually complain, I need a break, now I am getting my break. But .... am i wasting it all away hahahaa... feel so dead. Funny how time passes so fast when I am at home :)

I think i have to live for today!!!!!

The deed is done

Hmm.. so the deed was done last friday. So now what? At that moment it felt so good. But now, the worries are slowly flooding back. I feel like my mind is blank at the moment. Waiting for something good to some my way. I dont' know.

I may have gone insane! Need some professional help!!! hahahaa.

oh yeah i forgot some details about the Jakarta trip. They have this blue mountain card and posters thingy!!!! wow reminds me so much of the university book store at UNI that sells all these things. See so Americanized. Also they have Wendy's there.

What to do lah... with my life... i thought i should feel happy which i did on friday. I felt liberated but now what!?!?!?!

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Jakarta

OIts been a while since the last time I actually did any writing. Hmm. how come this font is different? Didn't change anything though.

On 23rd for July at 6pm right before I stepped out the door - I was informed that I was to be in Indonesia on Monday.  Boy was I pissed. And then after talking my parents, they were not happy about me being a single travelling to such place. Anyways... phone call to both the dick head and the head of the dept - turned out to be negative and both giving the same crap answer.
And the worse part of all dickhead only called at 10pm on sunday when he had friday nite and sat full day and sunday full day to call me. That shows what a dickhead he is. He doesn't deserve to walk on planet earth as a human being.

Anyways, on monday I flew to Jakarta.  They had a car waiting for me so all I had to do was to go to the taxi counter and look for my name. The taxi - the infamous one apparenlyt is called Silver bird. Seems like everyone keep telling me I should always take Silver Bird. Maybe its for safety and also that they won't con you hahaha.  Maybe!

Training was duts. Nothing to gain. Waste of blinking time.

But.... one relevation during this trip was that Jakarta had better malls then here!!!!!! I went to Taman Anggerik mall and Plaza Senayan and also Plaza Senanggi - oh boy!!!!! I guess the people there if they are rich they are mighty rich.  They all the branded stuff..... like nine west and althete foot.  when you first look at it, it would seem like you're either overseas in some american mall or.... singapore mall.. minus the crowd of course.  Cheezeeee... malaysia kalah teruk lah.....

I found a new craft too called pin art.. cool!!! i bought 2 back. obviously at the immigration I was asked to open my bag to be checked coz all the pins rite? They think I might bringing it to the plane and poke people. DUH.. checking in the bag lah!!!!

Thats all for now....
job front.. currently one still sucks but merdeka soon... as for the new one.... hopefully... the decision to be made is the right one....

lost in the limbo land.

Is it wrong to just be who you are!? Can your friends accept you for who you are. Whether you're those who are lost in your own world or one who is lost in yourself - dont' know what to do about your life. I think people shouldn't critize others so much. Do they think they are perfect beings? Every individual is different. If everyone is exactly the same and think exactly the same - wouldn't we then be andriods?

Some people say, may say, you shouldn't just talk and say about things, you should do something about it. If only life was so easy. If life was just about black and white. If life is just about you and whatever decisions you make doesn't affect anyone else. But in reality thats not the case right? Everything you do, you are not the only person affected.

For instance, if I chose not to work anymore be a bum. I have to move back home and rely on my retired parents. How long can they take it? They will probably be worried to their wits about whats happening to this daughter of theirs. Do i want to bring this unnecessary torture to their life considering that my sis-in-law and my brother is going thru such hard times right now. I shouldn't just be a selfish toad and think only of myself.

But sometimes I think, Its my life, don't I have the choice to decide what i want to do. Don't I have the choice to choose whether i want to be a bum or not? Sigh... I guess i Do but not only my life will be affected.

I spoke to Azee lately, of course she and I both know that I have been in this depressive mood for years now. Some people think I am not doing anything about it. I have my ups and downs. AT times, life is just okay, somtimes I go thru such bad times, I can't even take it anymore. Those are the times, I wish I am dead. I really mean it. Yes, my life may not be as bad as some other people other out there. But to me its bad enough that I feel life is not worthwhile. I know I have to get out this. But I don't know the way out.

I realized over the years, I have lost the sense of who I am. Did I once knew who I was? I sometimes can't even hear my heart... i don't know what my heart tells me anymore. Its like I am lost. I think alot of people won't understand that. They will say snap out of it. I wish it was so easy. Its tough to get people to understand who you are. They just have their preconception of what and how things should be. How a person should be. Snap out of it ifyou're in depression or sad. I can understand now why some people wnat to end their lives. Coz they feel life is just a bleaaahh.. nothing to look forward to. Lost in a limbo land that no one has helped them to pull out and they don't know how to do it on their own. I hope i won't come to that state.

I once was so different. I remembered coming home from the states filled with energy and life. What happened in the last 8 years? I have yet to find out the root cause. I dont' know if I ever will. Yas my childhood friend tells me that she see me fighting within myself everyday. She said, when you're not settled internally, it will show out externally in reality like maybe all the troubles and problems i see. She believes I should not fight within me. Do what I like.. Hear what my heart tells me. But I don't hear it.. sometimes I wonder if its just the lunacy of my mind talking. I don't know anymore. Have you ever been in that state? Have you? Can you say you can snap out it just like that? (snap of the finger?)

what next?

Dreadful week.

so given the cold shoulder and the very pally couple is making me sick to the pits. The senior guy lets calle him K and the dickhead boss lets call him D. Anyways.... K has been ratting behind our backs. Our here refers to the Junior and myself.

Anyways.... i can't wait to get out.

My sis-in-law is back from TA. She isn't feeling well. Last nite i was home, she now stays at my uncle's which is just next door so our rooms are like literally next to each other. I could hear her coughin the whole nite. I feel so sad for her. Each time I remember, I will say a prayer for her to get well. I really do not want her to die nor leave us. I believe she deserve a second chance in life. To see her children grow.... to grow old with mike.

That is what I want in life. I good man to live till death do us part. Is that so hard? A person who can stand my tantrums.. and such.

Maybe I am just seeking to find some solace from work which isn't working. Work is making me crawl up the wall.

Anyways... i am just going to keep going... and *!@#&(!*&@# the two screwed up fella.

All about choices aye?

So Belfong says its all about choices. Yeah but I have to live with the choice i made later on. I can leave sure why not. Anytime i can just write and print out the letter and go. But after that what? WHAT?

That's the FEAR! I guess people who have jobs they love won't have this worry.

ITs all about uncertainty..

I went for an int yesterday. GWiloo interview one wor. So different ... He even suggested working from hom.... if safety is my concern about working late Which is absolutely great! I hope i have a chance in getting the deal. But there is a second interview.

You know, a friend picked me up from the LRT station yesterday for the int. And he saw me he said why you still so happy when you job sucks and you plan to leave without another job. I told him,coz i already decided mah. If i can't take it I will just tender loh. HE said, sommore you can laugh. Then what am i suppose to do hor!?!??!!

sigh.... i guess a person reading would think i am a totally confused person.

Fong! did you read my reply to the very pally thingy?

where are you lah!?!?!?! can't chat with you liao.. :((((((

i miss all the chatting days... ARRRGH

its friday i don't have to go to work otmorrow but that poor freshie dba has to.. i pity him. And the senior guy was so blunt with him today. I mean how can he do that to another human being... Gosh.. what a fucked up person.
I know its just a matter of time before he screams at me too.

Life.....
So Fong! you're lucky in a lot of sense and your team too.
I was at the office till 8 but that freshie was still there!!!!!! and the manager has the guts to tell us to have a nice weekend in our faces when that poor guy was there.. thinking "WHAT NICE WEEEKEND?" I HAVE TO BLOODEEE WORK.

people just don't have mercy these days.

So fong when are we going to go to the thai whatever club thingy?

I can cry if I want to....

OH WOW! What a shit day. As shitty as it can get. Had a horrendous episode at my new work today. Counting that its just my 8th day. This is the first time i lost my temper so fast in a new env. Anyways... just one sentence. THEY ARE ALL BLOODEE FUCKED UP IDIOTS!

I am looking to move. Why the R place hasn't called!!!! WHY!!!!! called my home but didn't call me!!!! WHAT WHAT WHAT THE THE THE SHITS

I really can't take it any longer. Now have to do coding also. WHAT THE SHIT!
Like that hsould have stayed in O rite? Salary higher but work till 7pm everyday.... not worth it lah. Better keep the money....

So sien lah.....................................................

One thing i have realized, during this crucial period in my life , I found out who are my friends.. So its good in a sense. I even have an ex team mate in AU called me over the phone to see how I am and trying to help me get my resume in there.

I need a break. I got one but it turned out to be the wrong one. I pray very hard that I can leave this shit hole soon.

Please grant me the sanity to be able to live another day till the rite one comes along.